My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
