I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
