Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
