If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
