My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
