I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I smell like Dick and happiness
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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