My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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