I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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