Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
