I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
