Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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