I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There's a naked man in my car right now.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
