the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
