My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
