FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
