if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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