your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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