Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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