Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
