I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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