is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
