i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
