Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
