is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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