Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
