Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
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You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
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He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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