I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
