Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
