I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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