Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
