I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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