I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
