..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
