I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
