Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
