my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
