Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
