I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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