here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Less talking, more tequila
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
