Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
