I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
