textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
