You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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