You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
