Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
