no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
