Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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