i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
