im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
