apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
