The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
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dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
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He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers