i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?