i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I cannot find my penis.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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