Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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