So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
