if only i could text you this smell
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
