Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
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This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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