Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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