I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
