ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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