i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
