I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
