I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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