I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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