i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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