He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
